


Nobody Who Stands For Truth

by pandorabox82



Category: Major Crimes (TV)
Genre: Character Death Fix, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2019-05-28 14:59:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15051701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82
Summary: Andrea finds herself wracked with guilt following the death of Phillip Stroh. When she begins to receive odd notes in her mail, she decides to leave the life she knew behind and start over as law librarian at her alma mater. But that fails to solve anything, as the notes keep coming. One day, she catches glimpse of a familiar face. Will this be what she needs to start healing?





	1. Chapter 1

Andrea had tried to keep a brave face for the entire time she was in the murder room, listening to Provenza wax poetic about all they had lost and all that remained. It had seemed so crass to look over at Sharon's office and see that the only reminder of her that was there was the bouquet of red roses someone had left there in her memory. Even looking at Rusty was enough to fill her mouth with acid, and she touched her stomach lightly as she willed herself to keep from throwing up.

"Excuse me," she finally murmured as she turned and made her way out of the murder room, hurrying down the hall to the restroom and flinging herself inside the first stall, barely managing to lock herself in a stall before sinking down onto the toilet and sucking in deep breaths in an effort to keep from giving in to the urge to throw up. "This is not what you wanted, Sharon, no matter what Provenza might say. No matter what I said. Oh, god, I miss you," she whimpered as she screwed her eyes shut.

Finally, she managed to calm herself down a little before she stood and exited the stall, slowly making her way over to the sink. It was hard to look at her reflection, because the only thing Andrea could focus on when she met her gaze in the mirror was how sad she looked. Even one of the lawyers she was constantly up against had mentioned how depressing it was to look at her in the courtroom, which meant that she hadn't been as capable at keeping her mask in place as she had thought.

Sighing, she turned on the water and splashed a little on her face, not wanting her makeup to run, since that would just let everyone know that she was upset. Taking a deep breath, she flicked off a few remaining droplets of water before taking another look at her reflection in the mirror. Her cheeks were no longer quite so red, thanks to the cold water, though her eyes were still sad. Knowing that she couldn't hide out for much longer, that Amy might come in at any moment and she didn't want that, Andrea squared her shoulders and briskly made her way out of the restroom.

She nearly made it onto the elevators unseen, only to bump into Chief Mason as he exited from the car. Stepping back a little, Andrea wobbled on her feet and he reached out to steady her, his large hands closing around her elbows as he looked intently into her eyes. "Are you all right, Andrea?"

Andrea started a little to hear him address her by her first name, and it took her an extra second to nod. "I'm fine. It was just a really difficult day, since it almost felt like everyone was saying goodbye to Sharon once more."

She didn't know why she was being so open with him, but from the knowing look that he gave her, she thought she had perhaps made the right choice. Still holding onto her elbow, he guided her onto the elevator, closing the doors before pressing the emergency stop button. "This will give us a few moments of privacy. Andrea, it's okay to not be okay. And I don't think that Sharon's presence will ever truly be gone from that murder room. Not as long as everyone is still there."

"And that is what I'm afraid of, Leo. A part of me needs to move on, to let the past stay in the past, because I don't know if I can continue walking in here and being reminded of her in ways that I would wish were not there."

"You loved her."

Andrea looked into his all too kind eyes and gave a small nod as she pursed her lips together. "Andy can't ever know, but I did. She was trying to set me up with you."

"Are you not out, then?"

"No. It's difficult enough to do my job, I didn't need another stumbling block. I'm trusting your discretion here, Leo."

He nodded before sweeping his hand up to rest on her shoulder, his eyes never leaving her face. "I assure you, your trust is not misplaced. And Sharon may have had good taste, but she didn't exactly have the best luck at reading people. You're not the only one who is professionally closeted."

A small bubble of laughter escaped her lips, but it sounded more like a choked sob by the time it reached the air, and then he was pulling her into a tight hug, letting her cry for a few moments before she pushed away from him once more. "You, you have a good day," she said before patting his chest lightly.

"I'll try, Andrea. And if you ever need to a shoulder to lean on, don't hesitate to call on me. And if people get the wrong idea, at least we can cover for each other, right?"

"Right." She wasn't surprised when he brushed away a few tears from her cheeks, and the tender touch made her sigh a little. "Let me go before I start sobbing again. Please."

"Of course." He stepped away from her and pressed the ground floor button. By the time they reached it, she had managed to put herself back together and Leo gave her a small thumbs up before pressing the button for his floor as she exited the car. It was so good to know that they were partners of the same club, but it did little to alleviate the overwhelming sense of sadness that had captured her heart so completely that afternoon.

Trudging over to her car, Andrea slipped behind the wheel and began the long drive home, ignoring the sound of her phone buzzing in her purse as she went, not wanting to deal with whoever was trying to get ahold of her. The drive home passed by in a blur as she allowed muscle memory to take over her consciousness as she thought about everything she had been through lately. It was only when she pulled into her garage that she came to her senses, and she took a deep breath as she unbuckled her seatbelt and climbed from the vehicle.

Slowly, she made her way inside, dropping her keys and purse onto a counter in the kitchen before nabbing a bottle of shiraz and the corkscrew and making her way into the living room. She knew it wasn't a smart choice, but nothing else would quiet the demons clawing at her heart that evening. Thumping down onto the sofa, Andrea quickly opened the bottle and took a long swig from it, the heavy taste coating her tongue as she gazed out the window.

After another long drink, Andrea set the bottle on the coffee table, picking up the manila envelope that Andy had given her a few days ago. He hadn't said what was inside, but she had a good idea what was inside. Her hands actually shook as she peeled open the flap, letting the 8x10 inside slide out onto her lap.

Sharon's smiling face was the only thing that she could focus on. She looked radiantly happy, her veil framing her face in a way that made her look purely angelic, and Andrea let out a hiccup of a sigh before starting to cry again, holding the picture close to her chest as she fell back on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling as she fought to keep the sorrow from swallowing her up once more. She knew, at some point, she would have to move beyond the guilt and the sadness that consumed so much of her energy at the moment, but it seemed like tonight would not be that night.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been a long weekend for Andrea, as she had alternated between drinking while crying and looking at Sharon's picture and eating way too much food that was completely unhealthy for her. That seemed to help kick a few of the demons that were chasing after her go dormant, and she woke up Monday morning feeling less despondent.

As she took a shower, she found that rather than feeling sad, there was a small burning coal of anger replacing the coldness of her sorrow. It wasn't something that she had planned on, but in the back of her mind, she was reminded that one of the stages of grief was anger, so Andrea decided to allow herself to feel that emotion, since it wasn't healthy to hold things in. She had learned that quickly enough when she'd joined the DA's office twelve years prior.

When she finally felt clean, Andrea turned off the water and wrapped a towel around her body as she stepped out of the shower, rubbing another one over her head to dry her hair before applying her facial moisturizer and then continuing on with her morning rituals by rote, finding herself ready to head into the office right on time. It was only when she stepped into her office that she realized she'd left her phone at home, and Andrea let out a frustrated sigh as she slouched down into her chair.

Opening her briefcase, she pulled out her notes on the case that was going to court on Wednesday, knowing that she needed to prepare for that while Rusty worked on the other twenty four cases that were also weighing on her. The docket had seemed to fill up so quickly after she had returned from her bereavement leave, and even though her boss had understood that she was not quite up to snuff, he was demanding that she pull it together, now that she was back. Shaking her head a little to clear the cobwebs of thoughts away, she opened her legal pad and went over her notes that she had made the previous evening, trying to organize them into a coherent and compelling opening statement. She knew that this was going to be a difficult case to prosecute, since the defendant was too damn likeable.

Sighing a little, Andrea continued to make notes as Rusty ambled in fifteen minutes late, whistling a jaunty tune. "If you think you're going to be a lawyer, you need to learn to be on time," she said shortly as she watched him take up his usual spot on the sofa in her office, setting up his workbooks and laptop and notepads.

"Sorry, it's just that Gus made us a really delicious breakfast, and then Andy wanted to talk a little bit about Sharon, and what my plans were for the day. I tried to get here as soon as I could."

She just raised an eyebrow before focusing back on her work. There was no point in chastising him so early in the morning, since it would just further derail her work. So, she swallowed down her irritation and forced the words to come out of her mind and onto the paper. This seemed to be the entirely wrong this to do, since everything just ground to a halt as she looked over at Rusty, who had an LSAT Preptests book open on his lap and was clearly doing anything but his intern work. "Were you thinking about getting started on the workload here anytime soon?" she asked peevishly, and Rusty looked up at her in shock. "What? This internship is to learn how to navigate the DA's office, so that when you come back here, you have a good understanding of how things are run. You can't do that by shirking off your duties just because you didn't study like you should have over the weekend."

"But Andrea, if I don't pass the LSATs, I won't ever be coming back here, and I won't be able to make good on what I promised Lieutenant Provenza."

He tried to give her a puppy dog stare, but that had no effect on her. Letting out a frustrated puff of air, she shook her head before gesturing to her desk. "Does it look like I want to hear excuses this morning, Rusty? No. I have twenty five cases that are demanding my attention in court, plus countless others that will require me to strike deals in the near future. I have a finite amount of time, whereas you have the luxury of only being here mornings to help me out. If you want to end this internship, by all means, the door is over there."

Rusty's eyes widened as he shook his head slowly. "I didn't realise that you were under such pressure," he finally said as he closed the workbook and set it on top of the pile in front of him. "What do you need me to do?"

"Here." She rummaged through her briefcase and pulled out the list she had made over the weekend for him to research throughout the week. Andrea thrust it out to him, and he nodded before taking it from her hand and then getting to work on it while she sank down in her chair, all the fire and anger leaving her body as her thoughts turned to Sharon. She missed her friend so damn much, and hearing Rusty say her name brought all her sorrow back to the forefront, ruining her concentration.

Somehow, she managed to make it to lunch without breaking down, though her opening statement was still woefully unprepared. Shaking her head a little, Andrea stuffed the notepad into her briefcase and stood up from her desk, grabbing her purse before making her way towards the door. "Hey, why don't we go to Gus's new place? And then we can come back, and I can put in a full day today. I really didn't realise that you were drowning in all this work."

"This is normal," she said in a flat voice, watching as he gulped as he quickly stood up. "But if you're offering to give me the whole day, I won't turn you down."

Rusty gave her a small smile as he nodded and then scurried over to her side. "Great!" They walked together towards the elevator, and she waited for him to speak once more, knowing that he couldn't help himself, talking came naturally to him. "So, you're going to have to drive, I let Gus take my car today, since his is in the shop."

"That's fine," she said, letting out a little sigh. "Have you heard from Ricky or Emily lately?"

"Emily and I Skype whenever we can, but Ricky is so busy with his job that neither of us really hear from him. Emily seems to think that that's because he's burying himself in work to keep his grief at bay. I just think that we remind him too much of Mom, but that's just me."

Andrea nodded absently, wondering why she had asked that question, since it just dredged up hurtful memories in her. They both went quiet as the elevator continued heading downwards, Andrea getting lost in her memories of Sharon, and a time when things had looked so much brighter for them all.


	3. Chapter 3

****"I got your mail, Andrea. There's quite a bit here," Rusty said as he came into her office Wednesday morning. He was still trying to be extra helpful after her outburst Monday, and while she appreciated the gesture, it was starting to get a little overwhelming as well. "But I think I'd start by opening this envelope."

She frowned deeply as she held out her hand. The weight of the mail surprised her, since she hadn't forgotten to pick it up yesterday, and she let out a sigh as she watched Rusty tap on the small white envelope that was on top of the stack. There was nothing to call attention to it, really, though there wasn't a return address on it.

Setting the envelope aside, Andrea waved Rusty away as she started to go through everything that remained. It was the usual bits and bobs that came to her, and she dealt with all that she could before trashing a few solicitations and shredding some sensitive pieces of mail that needed no more eyes on it. Finally, all that remained was the mysterious envelope and then finishing up her opening argument for the case she was going to start tomorrow.

Knowing that she couldn't put off opening it for very long, she picked up her letter opener once more and slit the top of the envelope, pulling out a single sheet of paper. Unfolding it, she saw that it was typewritten, as if the sender wanted to conceal their identity. That thought sent a shiver down Andrea's spine, since they had dealt with whackos like this before, and it never ended well.

She could feel Rusty's eyes on her, but she tried to ignore it as she let her gaze run up and down the page, trying to see if any key words jumped out at her. When none did, she went back to the top of the letter and began to read, settling back in her chair as she did so.

_Andrea,_

_I know that it must be a burden to have to deal with an intern like Rusty after everything he's done to make your life a living nightmare recently. I mean, we both know the legal hoops that you had to jump through in order to get FID to agree with the story that Lieutenant Provenza spun for them about it being his gun that shot Phillip Stroh._

_I just have to wonder, do you sleep as poorly at night as I do, knowing that Rusty went against everything his mother stood for? He was supposed to be better than that, and yet, at the end of the day, he returned to his baser instincts, deciding to use too much force to take care of a problem that was being handled by others._

_I do hope that all is well with you. I know that losing so many close friends in short span of time has probably done a number on your heart, but I also know that you're resilient, and can bounce back from these trials to be your strong self once more. I'll keep you in my prayers, and will also plan on taking the liberty of writing you every so often, to let you know that you are cared for, even if you don't know who I am. I'd rather keep it this way, for a while. I need to see how things play out. Until next time, may God shine His face down upon you._

There was no signature on the bottom of the page, nothing to indicate who had sent her such a personal missive, and she could feel her eyebrows furrow together as she tried to work out just who would be sending such a weird letter to her. "So, who's it from?"

Rusty's voice broke through her mental fog, and she looked over at him, still frowning deeply. "It's a personal matter," she replied shortly as she folded the page and stuffed it back into the envelope before thrusting it into her purse so that there was no way Rusty could read it unless he went snooping behind her back. "Just, focus on your task list, I have to get this written by tomorrow or look completely unprepared before the judge."

Rusty nodded before bending back over the files open in front of him, clearly not concentrating completely on them, since his eyes kept darting towards her every few seconds. Letting out a deep sigh, she tried to bring her focus back around to the task at hand, finally managing to finish off the complete opening statement. Standing up, Andrea stretched and cracked her back before heading towards the window and taking a look down at the street.

"I'm going to head down to Pulses for a coffee, before I edit this opening statement. Do you want me to bring you anything?" she asked, trying to sound conciliatory towards Rusty. After all, it wasn't entirely his fault that she was in a snappish mood, though he was a large part of it.

He looked up at her through his hair and shook his head a little. "I think I'm good. Gus said that he was going to meet me when I was finished here today, and I don't want to press my luck."

She gave him a sharp nod before going back over to her desk and grabbing her purse, slinging it over her shoulder as she left the office and headed towards the elevators. On the ride down, her thoughts turned once more towards the letter she had received. There had almost been a hint of Sharon in those words, though she knew the impossibility of that. Maybe she was reading her best friend into that letter because she still missed her.

The doors opened, and Andrea stepped out onto the ground floor, bumping into a few of her colleagues and giving halfhearted apologies as she brushed past them towards the coffee shop. There was a bit of a line, but she found she didn't mind the wait, since her preferred barista was working that morning. Finally, she stepped in front of Hermione, giving her a tired smile. "You look exhausted, Andrea! I take it there's a stressful case you're about to head into?"

As always, the light English accent soothed Andrea's nerves, and she gave the older woman a small nod as she wrote on the cup Andrea's standard order. "That, and I've been reminded of Sharon a lot recently. I had thought that I was moving on with things when this week just completely swept me under."

Hermione nodded sympathetically as she switched places with the young man manning the espresso machine. "You are going to hate this suggestion, but have you considered talking with a therapist?"

The gentle way Hermione said that told Andrea that she had her best interests at heart, and she shrugged a little. "I don't really have time for that? But I know that you mean the best. I just need to find a better balance."

Hermione nodded in sympathy with her as she came out from behind the kiosk, handing her the cup as she led Andrea over to an empty table. "And I know that you probably don't have time to sit and talk for too long, but I want you to sit here for about five minutes and just breathe slowly. Sometimes, we just need a friend to tell us that we have to take time just to be." Andrea nodded a little, giving Hermione a sheepish smile as she began to sip at her drink, glad that there was at least one person in her life who cared enough to make certain she was doing all right.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been just as she feared, the defendant had managed to smooth talk his way into the hearts of every jury member, and no matter how Andrea had tried to sway things her way, using all the evidence that she had, she could tell that there was no one there that was really actively listening to her at this point. And so, she shuffled her papers as she jotted a few notes to add into her closing statement. From the way things were looking, that statement would come before the end of the day, which was also less than ideal.

Looking over at Rusty, she could see that he had also read the room, and had come to the same conclusion that she had, as he was doodling on his own notepad. Not losing the somewhat stern smile that graced her lips, she reached over with her foot and lightly kicked the kid in the shin, needing him to start paying attention to what was going on. He shot her a look before sitting up straighter in his chair and appearing to look more interested with what was happening around him.

"And with that, the defense rests."

Andrea's spine stiffened as she realized that that could only mean closing arguments were next, and she was thoroughly unprepared with a good statement. Thankfully, the judge presiding over the case knew her well, as she gave her a small nod. "All right, we'll break for lunch and reconvene at three when the prosecution will begin with their closing statement."

As Judge Steinman banged her gavel, Andrea shoved her notepad into her briefcase before getting to her feet and looking down at Rusty. "You can had back to the office and start preparing the research I'll need for the next case. You know how things are going here."

Rusty nodded as he packed up his things, giving her a rueful smile. "I sort of knew that some cases were decided on personality, but it is so weird to see it in action."

"I know." Andrea let out a frustrated sigh as she shook her head. "Look, we need to look ahead now, since it is clear that things are not going my way. Just, do the job you've been asked to do, okay? That is what I need from you right now."

Rusty gave a jerky nod as he pushed away from the table and scurried from the courtroom, as if he could feel that Andrea's temper was starting to fray. Letting out a long sigh of frustration, she waited a few moments before following after him, deciding to take the stairs rather than wait for the elevator. With each step down she took, the black cloud that hovered over her grew larger and larger, until she had reached the bottom step and furiously strode over to the doors and stormed out of them, stalking down the street until she had reached the small café where she normally ate and worked on her closing statements.

After placing her order, Andrea pulled out her notepad and began to rework what she had already started to write, finding that so much of it didn't work, now that she knew the mood of the jury. Knowing that she had to tread carefully, Andrea tried to channel Sharon, knowing that the woman would have been able to cajole anyone to her way of thinking. Or at least, that was how Andrea always pictured her in her mind.

She picked at her food as she chipped away at the perfect closing statement, the hours passing by much too quickly for her. Finally, she knew that she just had to let it be, that if she fiddled with her words any more, they'd sound much too stiff, and turn the jury off even more. Shaking her head, she left more than half her meal behind, along with a decent tip, as she made her way back to the courthouse.

Once she had settled in her chair once more, she set her things out on the table, wishing that Sharon was here to give her moral support, since she was always so good at that, knowing when Andrea needed her most. That was just how things worked in their friendship, and that was what she missed most of all. As everyone else filed in, she glanced over at jury box once more, trying to picture which of them would be the most sympathetic to her, that she could focus on, and really hope to sway with her slightly better than circumstantial evidence and a strong, she prayed, closing statement. The jury filed in a few moments later, and she turned her attention back to the pad of paper in front of her before standing when the bailiff called them to order.

Judge Steinman gave her a commiserating smile, and it was in that moment that Andrea knew that the judge also knew that her was onboard a sinking ship. Stifling the sigh and frown that threatened to color her body language, she squared her shoulders and tried to quiet the voice in her head that told her that she should have expected this failure. "Be seated," she said, and Andrea sat and waited on the judge to speak once more. "All right, if the defense would like to start with their closing statement?"

Mark got up from his seat and approached the jury box, his hands in his pockets. Andrea zoned out on what he was saying, knowing that she had been afforded a small chance at making things right by giving the last words the jury would hear, and she couldn't squander that opportunity by allowing herself to become lost in his razzle dazzle words.

And then, Mark was giving her a knowing smirk as he crossed in front of her table on his way back to his seat. Taking a deep breath, she rose and went over to the jury, catching the eyes of the two people she thought were most sympathetic to her, and launched into her oration. It appeared that they were interested in what she was saying, which gave her a tiny bit of hope. Finally, though, she came to the end of her statement, and took her seat once more, letting out a hopefully discreet long breath.

"And now, you have heard from both DDA Hobbs and Mister Quincy. The cases that they laid out for you, the evidence they presented, all are available to peruse as you decide if Corbin Asten is guilty of the crime of murder in the first degree. As soon as you have reached a unanimous decision, tell the bailiff, and we will reconvene to render that judgement. If you do not reach a consensus before six this evening, you will be asked to return to the courtroom on Monday and continue until you have reached a verdict, or come to the consensus that you cannot reach a verdict."

The jury nodded and Andrea watched them leave, still feeling a heavy weight in the pit of her stomach, knowing that she really had not done enough to make her case. Once the jury was completely gone, she stacked all her papers together and shoved them into her briefcase, trying not to let her ire show in the way she moved, since she knew that she couldn't let her professional mask drop. Taking a few deep breaths, Andrea pushed away from the table and made her way out of the courtroom, already thinking ahead to the next case, knowing that she had much stronger evidence for it, and that this scenario wouldn't play out again so quickly. Though she also knew that if Sharon were there, none of this would have happened.


	5. Chapter 5

The jury had surprised her, though that hadn't made the weekend any less stressful for her, since she had to prepare her opening statement for a case that was starting at one Monday afternoon. Said stress made her get up far too early that morning, and so she had headed into the office to try and get some work accomplished in her extra time.

Andrea let out a deep breath as she cracked her back, trying to polish the words in front of her to a more succinct statement. Rusty came rushing into her office, two coffees in hand, and she frowned up at him as she set her pencil down. "What's your issue?"

"I hope that you're not overthinking the opening statement for the case this afternoon," he panted out as he thrust her coffee at her.

Frowning, she glared at him as she sipped from her cup, waving her hand in a hurry up motion before speaking when he said nothing. "I have three hours before I have to be in court, prepared to start this next case, so yes, I am working on the next opening statement."

"You have a few extra hours, since Judge Steinman will be presiding over that case as well. The jury is ready to come back, and we need to get over to the courthouse. The judge has already said that she will be postponing the start of the case until tomorrow, since the jury is coming back so late in the day."

Andrea nodded, running her fingers through her hair in frustration as she shook her head. "Great. That is not what I was planning on for today."

Rusty gave her a weird look, and she tried to brush it off as she leaned back in her chair and stared up at the ceiling. "I would have thought that you would be happy with this news. More time to prepare is always a good thing, yes?"

"No. Not when I'm prepared to do this right now. Every delay allows doubts to creep into the minds of the jury, since they're prepared to begin the case, as well, and the entire rhythm of the case is thrown off." She tried not to bite out her words, but Andrea could feel the irritation and annoyance start to build in her gut. Shoving her pad into her briefcase, she stood quickly, shrugging into her jacket and buttoning it before looking at Rusty. "Well, let's get moving."

He nodded and she took off out the door, not bothering to see if he was following. From the ice that was starting to form at the tips of her toes, Andrea knew that the verdict was not going to be he the outcome she had desired, and she tried to think about anything that would thaw the rapidly spreading cold. The only thing that seemed to come to mind was Sharon's face when they were getting ready for her wedding, and that image alone almost started the waterworks, so she shook her head and cleared her mind as she stepped into the elevator, pressing the button for the ground floor as Rusty scooted in.

The ride down was silent, and she found that preferable to trying to make small talk with Rusty. He barely had time to make it into her car before she was heading towards the courthouse, and she tried to make good time, though it was almost impossible with the amount of cars on the road. Finally, she was pulling into the parking lot and scurrying into the building, knowing that Rusty would keep up or meet her in the correct courtroom.

She didn't even have to glance at the television screens scrolling with the different cases being heard in the courtrooms, since she knew they would be in the same one she had left Friday. A small groan escaped her lips when she saw the throng of people that were milling about in front of the elevators, which told her that there would be a delay in getting one.

"What's wrong, Andrea?"

"I'm trying to decide if I should wait for the crowd to thin and take the elevators or hike up the stairs and risk looking unprofessional." Glancing at her watch told her that the only option would be to take the stairs, so she let out a deep sigh as she turned down the hall and pushed the door to the stairwell open, taking the steps as quickly as she could without getting out of breath or start to sweat. Rusty kept pace with her, which was surprising, but she didn't comment on it as she stepped onto the landing of the fifth floor and entered the hallway leading to the correct courtroom.

She passed Judge Steinman in the hall, giving her a small nod as she went to her chambers and Andrea let out a long puff of air as she pulled open the door to the courtroom and stepped inside. Opposing counsel was already seated behind his table, and she nodded to him as she and Rusty took their seats. Andrea set her briefcase on the floor next to her, knowing that she wouldn't need anything from there until she had to go to the next trial, but she still liked to be prepared.

The courtroom started to fill behind her, and she turned slightly to see that nearly all of the defendants rather large extended family had decided to make an appearance, along with a good number of the victim's family. It was a volatile mix, and she knew that whatever the verdict was, a large number of people were going to be very upset. Turning back around to face the bench, she drew in a few deep breaths, trying to find a bit of calm in this storm that was fast brewing. The jury filing in caught her attention, and she swallowed thickly as she knew that Judge Steinman would also soon be making her appearance.

The door from chambers opened, and the judge swept in, bringing everyone to their feet as the bailiff spoke the words Andrea had heard so many times over the course of her career. Judge Steinman motioned for them to sit down as she turned in her chair to look at the jury. "Madam foreman, I believe that you have reached a decision?"

It was all happening too quickly for Andrea's liking, and suddenly her ears began to burn, whilst also feeling like they were filled with cotton, since it was so difficult to concentrate on the words being said. She watched as the head juror stood and handed a slip of paper to the bailiff, and allowed her gaze to track said slip of paper to the judge and back again. Shaking her head a little, Andrea focused intently on what the woman said. "Your Honor, after many hours of deliberation, we have reached a decision. We, the jury, find the defendant, William Starr, not guilty of all charges."

The blood drained from her face as she realized the implication of those words. Somewhere, behind her, she could heard the victim's family reacting in shock, just like she had thought, while Starr's family was crowing in exultation. Judge Steinman banged her gavel a number of times to restore order in the room. Andrea couldn't focus on what she was saying, knowing that it was the order to set Starr free, and she flinched when she felt Rusty's hand land on her shoulder, trying to offer support. "Save it," she hissed as she grabbed her briefcase and pushed her way through the crowd, needing to be alone to lick her wounds in that moment.

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

Andrea had almost reached the door of the courthouse when Rusty caught up to her, catching her upper arm and pulling her to a stop. Drawing in a deep breath, she spun on her heel and fixed her fiercest glare on him, watching as he blanched a little under her scrutiny. "What do you want?" she bit out, tearing her arm out of his grasp and rubbing it absently, never taking her eyes off him.

"I just thought you might like to get something to eat? I can have Gus make us a really good meal at his restaurant. It won't change the outcome, but it might make you feel better."

The earnestness in his voice grated on her nerves, and she struggled to keep from blowing up at him in the courthouse itself. There were so many people who knew her, that she didn't want to have look at her in a negative light, and she knew she had to control her reaction to the boy. "You can go wallow in your pity party of one with Gus. I, however, have to prepare for the next case, since this one was a clusterfuck from the word go. If you'll excuse me," she hissed as she turned on her heel and stalked away from him.

Pushing through the door, Andrea stalked down the sidewalk, trying to swallow her anger as she went, knowing that she had to control her reactions to the world around her. That had been harder and harder to do since Sharon had died, as if her controls had just disappeared. Reaching her car, she was surprised to see that Rusty was trailing along behind her, and she glared at him once more as she unlocked her door and slipped inside.

"What the hell, Andrea? You drove me here today! I don't have a way to get back to the office!"

Andrea groaned as she bent her head low and unlocked the other doors. He slipped into the passenger seat, and before he had his seatbelt buckled, she was peeling out of the parking lot, needing to be away from him as quickly as possible. He was too much a reminder of Sharon in that moment, and the longer he was around her, the more likely she was to just pop off and scream at him that he had no right to be alive while Sharon was cold in the grave.

There was a tense air in the car as she drove back to the office, and she was grateful that he didn't try to make small talk, since she knew that would be more than she could bear. Finally, after twenty five long minutes, she was pulling up to the sidewalk of their building, and she put the car into park as she waited for him to get out.

"I'm going to take tomorrow off, to prepare for my LSATs. I think that's for the best."

Andrea rolled her eyes. "Then you do that. That's what you always do, anyway. Whatever's best for poor little Rusty." The words had more vitriol than she had anticipated, and he frowned at her as he jumped out of her car and slammed the door. "Great. Now he's going to be whining about this for the next three weeks," she muttered as she took off towards home.

By the time she pulled into her driveway, she had thoroughly worked herself into a snit, and she stomped into the kitchen, dropping her briefcase onto the table as she went over to the counter and pulled out a fresh bottle of wine, trying to ignore the fact that there were three empty bottles in her recycling already.

Pulling the cork out, she carried the bottle and a glass into the living room, thumping down onto the sofa without spilling a drop from the bottle. Pouring herself half a glass, she set the bottle onto her coffee table and then picked up the frame that contained her picture of Sharon and herself at the wedding. There was an angelic look on Sharon's face, and Andrea sighed a little as she reached out and ran her thumb over the glass.

"I probably should have bit my tongue today, Sharon, but I was just so frustrated at losing this case. I knew that it was shaky from the beginning, but Provenza isn't as good at making deals as you were. He tried to badger and bully this man into a bad deal, and he called our bluff. There was nothing else I could do then, but go through with the case, and then be left with the humiliation of losing the case."

Letting out a deep sigh, she downed half the glass she had before refilling it a little fuller this time. She knew that she was playing a dangerous game, since she had to be in court the following day, but she had to wallow in her misery a little before she could move on. Hugging the frame to her chest, Andrea sighed again before downing her fresh glass. "I just, I really need my best friend to talk to again. I miss you, Sharon, so much more than I thought possible. I never told you how much you meant to me when you were here. I never told you the depth of my feelings, because you had Andy to love. I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams without you near me."

The first tears began to drop down her face, and she turned onto her side and set her glass aside, finding herself uninterested in finishing the bottle she had opened. She knew that it would do no good for her to get blindingly drunk, as she didn't want to lose another case in court, she didn't want her actions to be detrimental to the case. Biting her lip a little, she ran her hand through her hair and set the photo aside, staring at it as she licked her lips and stretched out on the sofa, pulling the blanket off the back and wrapping it around her body.

"You would tell me that I should get up and take a shower, that I need to refocus myself on something a little less maudlin, and I know that you're right. But all I want to do is fall asleep in my clothes and do all that in the morning."

Glancing over at the picture once more, Andrea groaned, knowing that she wouldn't be able to ignore that inner voice, since it had taken on Sharon's voice. Shaking her head a little, Andrea pushed herself up off the sofa and trudged over to the staircase, heading upstairs and into the bathroom. Stripping off her clothes, she allowed them to pile onto the floor before stepping out of them and into the shower.

The water did help to clear her mind a little, and she started to think about how she would apologise to Rusty, since she really had reacted badly, even if she didn't particularly care for the way he had wriggled out of being responsible for his actions. Again, she felt a hot tongue of anger touch the raw nerve that was Sharon's death as she thought about how Rusty had gone against everything that Sharon had ever wanted for him, and she tried to tamp it down, since she knew that Sharon would want her to look out for Rusty, no matter what. She only had to find a way to do that without destroying her soul in the process.


	7. Chapter 7

Andrea's day in court had been productive, as she had been able to read the jury quite well as they listened to her opening statement and opposing counsel's. It seemed that they were more sympathetic to her, from the get go, which set her mind at ease as she hoped that this case would go a lot more smoothly than the previous one.

The first witness for her side had also made significant inroads for her case, and Andrea had breathed out a sigh of relief as they adjourned for the day. Getting to her feet, she felt her phone buzz against her hip and as she went into the hallway, she pulled it from her pocket and looked at the display. Lieutenant Provenza's name was on it, and Andrea frowned a little as she opened her phone and clicked through to her voicemail, listening to the message he'd left.

"I really do not want to go make a deal right now," she muttered, knowing that she wouldn't have any other choice in the matter, she was still attached to Major Crimes as their go to DDA. Shaking her head, Andrea slowly made her way down to her car and then drove over to the building, trying to keep her foot light so that she wouldn't get a ticket. Thankfully, there was an open spot near the door, and she parked before stalking into the building, waving to John as she made her way to the elevators.

The ride up to the murder room was long, as it seemed like everyone in her car was heading to a different floor, but she finally reached her destination, briskly walking over to the tech room and taking a seat next to Buzz, knowing that he would fill her in on everything she needed to know. And after hearing that information, she felt confident enough to make a decent enough deal, should the perp wish to take it. Whispering to Buzz to tell Mike she was coming in, Andrea got up and went into the interrogation room, smiling brittlely at the perp as she took a seat next to Tao.

It was clear, before she even opened her mouth, that the young man would be up for whatever she offered him, and Provenza nodded when she told him that she would recommend a sentence of twenty five to life, with a possibility of parole in fifteen years. The young man shakily started writing out his statement as she and Provenza rose to their feet, leaving Mike to deal with the rest. Before the lieutenant could escape from her, though, she reached out and took hold of his shoulder, squeezing it so that she would be certain to get his attention.

"What is it Hobbs?" he asked, giving her a cantankerous look.

"We need to talk about Rusty," she bit out as she gestured with her head towards Sharon's office. "In private?"

"There's nothing really to talk about," he muttered, though he did lead her into the still empty office. Andrea shuddered a little as she went over to the chair she normally sat in, feeling Sharon's presence surround her instantly. Letting out a deep sigh, she folded her hands over her stomach as she stared down at the floor, not wanting to catch any more reminders of the person she'd lost. "Well, Andrea? What do you have to say to me?"

Taking a deep breath, she finally looked up at him, trying to match the glower on his face. "I am having trouble reconciling what we did with how Sharon would have wanted everything to go. I can't help but feel that she would be so disappointed in us, for allowing her son to murder someone, and then covering up what happened. We should have allowed Rusty to face the consequences of his actions. Sharon would have."

"Yeah, well, Sharon would have made a deal with Stroh, which might have allowed him to escape once again. We couldn't risk that, and I think you know that full well. Look at what happened to Rios."

It was a low blow, and she flinched a little as she looked back down into her lap. "He would have been stopped before he could have hurt Sharon or Rusty. We didn't need to take the law into our hands like we did. It goes against everything that we stand for!"

Provenza shook his head as he let out a scoffing laugh. "You're getting soft, like her. I never expected that of you," he said as he got up from his chair. "If I were you, I would build a bridge and get over this guilt you feel. You can't carry it around like a millstone."

"Maybe you should try feeling a little guilt," Andrea shot back, a flicker of anger sparking up in her breast as her head shot up to meet his eyes.

Provenza shook his head as he rushed over to the window and pulled the blinds open. "Come here," he bit out, and she frowned deeply as she complied with his command. "Do you see that desk right there?" he asked as he pointed to the desk that Andy had taken over when Julio had transferred divisions.

"Yes, I see it," she said, not knowing where he was going with things.

"Well, that right there is the reason that I don't lose any sleep over Philip Stroh's death. He lost his wife, her life tragically cut short because she needlessly overtaxed her heart in an effort to track down and deal with Stroh for so long. If we had taken him out sooner, Sharon might still be here. And while we'll never know, because we can't change the past, I know damn well that I won't let an asshole like Stroh ruin the rest of my life. Or Rusty's. That kid deserved a fair shake in life, after everything he went through."

Andrea struggled to keep from rolling her eyes or reacting angrily. She still needed to keep up a working relationship with the man and his department, after all. "Be that as it may, I don't think that I can so easily brush it off my conscience," she finally said, measuring her words out cautiously, so as to keep an even, calm, tone. "Make certain that you deliver that statement to my office tomorrow morning so that I can get the ball rolling with it before I have to appear in court."

Provenza nodded and Andrea gave him a tight smile before leaving the room with an even gait. It wasn't until she found herself alone in the elevator that she allowed herself to give into the frustration that was coursing through her veins. A small part of her couldn't believe that Provenza carried no guilt over what they'd done. It made sense, for who Rusty was, that the boy didn't regret anything that happened. But the older man? That was a shock.

Andrea waved to John as she left the building, and once she was certain she was alone, she dropped the genial look from her face, instead allowing her features to settle into a deep frown as she stomped over to her car. And though she knew that she had to bury the feelings of frustration she was feeling towards Provenza and Rusty, she also knew it would be a long time before she could start to be even remotely okay with what they had allowed to happen.


	8. Chapter 8

Andrea had been pleased when the case had gone her way, though the next case on the docket was proving to be less than ideal. Again, she found herself starting to become overwhelmed with negative emotions, and she struggled to keep her thoughts positive when she regarded this case. And it didn't help that Provenza had taken to reminding her that she needed to play ball with them, since Rusty had complained that she was still acting quite prickly towards him.

Shaking her head to clear out the negative thoughts, Andrea turned her focus onto the case ahead of her. The defense attorney had already called for a continuance, stating that he needed extra time to track down a witness who had suddenly gone missing. "Hey, Andrea."

She looked up at Rusty, seeing that he had two cups of coffee in his hands. Reaching out, she wasn't surprised when he pressed the larger one into her hand. "Hey."

"That didn't sound very cheerful," he said, the teasing tone to his voice grating on her nerves.

"I have literally nothing to do today, other than go over the case I'm currently trying. I've already been in court, dealing with the fact that the other attorney called for a continuance."

"Which means that everything comes to a stop, yes?"

She nodded, rolling her eyes a little as she took a sip of coffee. It was perfect, which helped to pick up her mood a tiny bit. "Basically. The judge gave her five days to track down this missing witness. I don't need this, when I have other cases that need to be dealt with as well."

Shoving her hand through her hair, Andrea let out a deep breath as she stood up from her desk and stalked over to the window, staring down at the traffic as she nursed her drink, wishing that there was something stronger than caffeine inside. "And what happens if they can't track her down?"

"It will be up to the judge, but since this person hasn't given her testimony yet, there is the very real possibility that the judge will declare a mistrial, and then we'll have to start the whole process over again. New jury, new time, everything. It will be a clusterfuck from the word go."

Sighing deeply, Andrea took another long drag from her coffee before spinning around on her heel and fixing her gaze on him. She knew that the look wasn't the happiest from the way he blanched and pulled away from her a little. "But that won't happen, will it?"

"It's a distinct possibility. At the very least, the continuance could continue for an undetermined time, which would further screw around with my schedule, and I would just have to juggle a lot of balls in completely new directions."

Shaking her head a little, she completely drained the rest of the coffee and then slammed the cup down onto the table in front of Rusty. "That seems like it would be against due process."

Andrea nodded a little as she collapsed down onto the couch, burying her face in her hands as she tried to think about where she was going to go from here. Things seemed to be fast falling apart, and she didn't want to take it out on Rusty, since she knew that he would just go running to Provenza to tell him about her rudeness. "You would think, but since this has been requested by the defendant's own attorney, it doesn't quite work that way."

He nodded before picking up his satchel and rustling through it. "I did get the mail while I was waiting for the coffee. You got another letter from your typewriter fan."

Her eyes narrowed as she tugged the envelope from his hands, looking it over completely before she glanced back up at him. "This is only the second one," she muttered as she stood and went over to her desk, shoving the envelope into the depths of her purse before looking back up at him, daring him to say something.

"Oh, so you have an admirer, then," he teased, clearly thinking that she would be open for the ribbing. Shaking her head, she grabbed hold of her purse, leaving her work on her desk. "Andrea?"

"I'm going home for the day. Shadow DDA Ingram, she'll be able to help you out just as much as I can," she muttered as she reached the doorway. "Don't try to contact me today, or tomorrow. I'm not in the best of moods."

"No shit, Sherlock. You haven't been in a good mood since Mom died."

Andrea drew in a sharp breath at his flippant words, trying to slowly count to ten before she reacted. Turning on her heel, she fixed a steely gaze on him, watching his eyes widen as he shrank away from her for the second time that morning. "I know that you think you're funny, but you're damn lucky that Provenza wanted you to have a future, after the little stunt you pulled. Had it been up to me, had I been thinking clearly, I would have let the legal system throw the book at you. At some point in your life you have got to learn that there are consequences to your actions, and that you can't always bully your way into getting what you want! Dammit, Rusty, Sharon would be so disappointed in you right now, and you damn well know it!"

Rusty frowned and got to his feet, starting to pace the floor, as if he was trying to burn off some of the same anger that coursed through her veins. "That's not fair, and you know it! When have I ever gotten my way? The cards were stacked against me from the moment I was born!"

"That is a load of horse shit and you know it, Rusty. Look at your relationship with Gus. You got him to grovel and beg and debase himself until you finally deigned to take him back, and you still treat him like dirt. I would take a good, long, look at yourself in the mirror the next time you're in the bathroom. I don't think you'll like what stares back at you."

"Any more than you like what stares back at you?" he asked snidely, and Andrea felt her nostrils flare with rage as she took a step forward. Clenching her fists, she caught herself before she closed the distance between them and did something she would regret. "That's what I thought."

"Fuck you," she hissed before turning on her heel and striding from her office. Angry tears bit at the corner of her eyes as she briskly walked out to the elevators, trying to keep herself together. A part of her knew that she had behaved very poorly, and that she could be reprimanded by her boss for her actions, but a part of her also knew that she had to get those words off her chest before they ate a canker in her heart.

Thankfully, the elevator car was empty when it opened for her, and she stepped inside, pressing the ground floor button before closing the doors. As the elevator made its way down, Andrea breathed in and out deeply, trying to regain control of herself. She could only imagine what the rest of the day would bring.


	9. Chapter 9

The first thing Andrea did when she arrived home was kick off her shoes and rummage around in her freezer for the fresh tub of chocolate marshmallow ice cream there. Not bothering to get a bowl, she grabbed a spoon out of the drawer and trailed into the living room, collapsing on the couch as she tugged the cover off the carton and dug in, quickly eating her way through a quarter of the tub. Once her initial hunger had been satiated, Andrea picked up her purse from where it had fallen and pulled out the letter she had received.

Looking at the envelope, she could see that it was almost identical to the first one she had received. Again, there was no return address, and the postmark was local, but other than that, she had no way to identify who was writing her. Letting out a sigh, she set the letter aside before digging into the ice cream once more and picking up her phone, scrolling through her notifications. There were texts from Andy, Provenza, and Rusty, which she promptly ignored, along with a few emails that she knew could wait until she was in a better frame of mind.

Shaking her head a little, she unlocked her phone and went into her work email, knowing that there were likely to be a few there, since she didn't get notifications due to the sensitive nature of her work. The one that stood out the most was from the director of HR. Pressing on it, she let her eyes quickly scan the words there, feeling the bottom of her stomach drop out when she read that she was being called in to meet with her and the DA the next morning. There was no mention of if she should reply to the email, it just appeared that she should understand that the meeting was non-negotiable.

Though she had known that something like that was likely to happen, she still felt like her hands and feet were beginning to turn to ice as she wondered what they were going to say to her. She knew that she would deserve whatever was said, since she had no right to go off on Rusty while they were working together, as it was far from professional, but it had needed to be said. Swallowing thickly, she ran through the rest of her emails and responded to the ones that needed an answer, all the while continuing to eat from the tub of ice cream.

It wasn't until she hit the bottom of the carton that she paused and took stock of just how many empty calories she had consumed so early in the day. It had been so easy to just drift along on autopilot as she had gone along. "That was stupid of you, Hobbs," she whispered as she wiped her hand on her trousers, getting to her feet and heading into the kitchen. Throwing the carton into the trash, she tossed the used spoon into the sink before opening the fridge and pulling out her water bottle and padding back into the living room. Her stomach had started to ache, now that she was finished with her binge, and she sipped at the cold water, hoping that could settle her stomach.

Knowing that she had to read the letter, even though she was emotionally compromised, Andrea reached out and took hold of the envelope, sliding her finger beneath the flap of it and slowly tearing it open so as not to ruin the envelope. There was just one sheet of paper inside, like before, and she unfolded it, letting her eyes run to the bottom to see if there was a signature this time. There was not, and she frowned deeply as she slumped back into the sofa and began to read.

_Andrea,_

_I know that you must be so frustrated with Rusty, but I know that you can be better than just randomly going off on him because you want to defend a friend's honor. You can't bring back the dead, and you can't make him see the error of his ways. All you can do is focus on you and how you react. I know that you miss Sharon, and I truly wish that there was a way to change things, but there isn't. And you can't let your life slip through your fingers as you continue to mourn after a woman who has moved on to a different place. She would want you to be happy, after all._

_And I know that you were so upset to lose that case, but I know that you will close the next case with a win. You're too good to let one loss cause you to stumble into a funk. There is always going to be a time of struggle, and what we do in response to that struggle is truly who we are. And you are a strong, resilient, woman who kicks ass and takes names. Never forget that._

That was the end of the letter, and again, she found herself perturbed by the letter writer, wanting to know who was sending her encouraging notes without signing their name. Again, the writer knew very personal details about her life, which told Andrea that it was someone close to her, but if it were one of her colleagues, she knew that they would tell her to her face what she needed to hear. The need for secrecy unnerved her more than anything, even though she knew that the writer intended the letters to be encouraging and friendly.

Slipping the letter back into the envelope, Andrea tossed it onto the coffee table as she stretched out on the sofa and stared up at the ceiling, her mind reeling between the way she had acted that morning and the letter she had read. The stress only served to make her stomach roil all the more until she could no longer hold everything inside.

Standing up in a hurry, she rushed over to the downstairs bathroom and thudded to her knees as she threw up all the water and ice cream she had just consumed. And as she threw up, she began to sob, wondering when her life had so quickly spun out of control. Finally, she stopped heaving, and pushed away from the toilet get control of her body once more. Shakily getting to her feet, Andrea staggered the few steps to the sink and rested her body on it as she took a look at herself in the sink.

"You've really fucked up this time, Andrea," she murmured as she turned on the water and washed her face clear of the traces of sickness before letting out a deep sigh and trudging back to the living room and collapsing on the sofa once more, curling up on her side and reaching out for her phone, ignoring the notifications on the screen as she unlocked the device and began to read the book she was currently in the middle of. She found her focus lacking and when she realized that it had taken her twenty minutes to read four relatively short paragraphs, she sighed and gave up, turning on her television as she tucked the phone into her trouser pocket, then flipping through the channels until she found a marathon of _Boston Legal_ , losing herself in a show that was more absurd than her life currently.


	10. Chapter 10

Andrea let out a deep breath as she straightened her jacket while she stepped out of the elevator the next morning. Her stomach was grumbling and roiling, affecting her mood immensely as she tried to focus on what she was going to say to HR and her boss. A small voice in the back of her head whined that she should have eaten a tiny bit of breakfast, or grabbed something from the local deli before making her way up the elevator, and she tried to stifle that voice, knowing she needed to pour all her focus on how she was going to present herself.

She drew in another deep breath as she walked into the outer office of the DA, throwing a desperate look at the secretary. The woman just gave her a nonplussed look before pointing to the chairs. Nodding a little, Andrea went and took a seat, perching on the edge of it so as to be ready to head in at a moment's notice.

The minutes dragged on, though, and Andrea bit her lip a little as she tried to keep her foot from tapping a nervous tattoo. Instead, she kept checking the time on her watch, keeping her back as straight as possible so as not to let her anxiety show. Finally, though, the door to Jon's office opened, and he strode over to her side, his hand lightly cupping her elbow has he helped her to her feet. "I'm sorry for making you wait, but there were a few things that I had to work out with Ellen before we could square things away with you. Would you like a cup of coffee?"

The nicety threw her off balance, and she shook her head slowly as she took a seat next to Ellen, giving her a fleeting smile before she smoothed her trousers along her thighs, trying to keep her breathing smooth and measured as she watched her boss pour himself a fresh cup before he took a seat behind his desk. Every fiber in Andrea's body wanted her to scream at him to just get on with it, to stop drawing out this agony, but she knew that was entirely the wrong reaction.

"I'm glad that you agreed to meet with us so quickly, Ms Hobbs. It is so important that we take care of situations like this before they get out of hand. As I'm certain you may have ascertained, Mister Beck made a complaint about your treatment of him yesterday morning, and it is something that we have to take seriously."

Andrea nodded a little, steeling her nerves. To her surprise, she didn't feel like crying, which was good, seeing as how that had been her go to reaction these last few days. "Rusty and I have had a very fraught relationship these last few weeks, yes. And I may have said a few things in anger that I regret now."

"This isn't the first time we've heard murmurings, Andrea," Jon said, and she turned her focus on him, watching his hands more than his face. "I know, the kid is brash and abrasive, but you have to look past that as he interns here."

"I know, it was completely unprofessional. And I will admit that the fact that we know each other on a personal level has most likely colored my interactions with him when things become tense between us. And this current case that I'm working on is not lending itself to sunshine and lollipops, Jon. We're most likely looking at a month continuance or longer, which is going to throw off my schedule completely."

"I understand that, Andrea, but that doesn't excuse your behavior. You're old enough to be the kid's mother, so you should know enough how to keep control of your emotions by now. And I know that you've had a hard few months, what with losing Sharon and Emma, and then that case going south so quickly, but you can't allow those negatives affect your behavior and job ethic. I need you to be here, one hundred percent, and if I don't feel like you are fully committed, then I worry about the outcomes of the next cases you try."

She nodded, still waiting for the other shoe to drop. There was more to this little meeting than just reprimanding her for the way she treated Rusty yesterday, and she was getting more and more off kilter the longer they went without saying plainly what was going on. Clearing her throat a little, she suddenly wished that she did have coffee or water to hold onto as she looked between them. "I can understand the concern, Jon. What does our action plan look like, from here on out?"

Jon's eyes flitted between her and Ellen, and she knew that nothing good would be said from this point forward in the discussion. "Ellen and I feel that it is prudent for you to take some time off and reflect on the passing of Sharon and Emma. You really haven't stopped since their deaths, and this failure to process has really led to you revealing a side of your personality that isn't really you. I know you're better than a snappish, shrewish, woman, I've seen you in action in the courtroom. But right now, we both feel you're a little too volatile to be in the courtroom."

Andrea nodded slowly as his words washed over her. "I see. How long a time are we looking at?" she asked, speaking slowly so as to keep her voice from cracking and betraying how close she was to losing it completely.

Still, Jon seemed to know that she was close to the edge, as he gave her a gentle smile. "I was thinking that we could start with eight weeks, and then reevaluate things from there. Does that sound fair?"

She knew that he was appearing to give her an option, but that there would be no turning his offer down by saying that she was fine and didn't need to take a break. Drawing in a deep breath, she gave him a tight nod before speaking. "That will be fine. And I think you're right, I do need to get my head on straight once more." Clearing her throat again, she looked at Ellen. "Is there something that I need to sign?"

"No, not unless you choose to come back here before the eight weeks have passed. If that happens, then there might be a different discussion that we have to have. Is there anything that you'll need from your office? If so, I can run you up there before you head home for the day."

That was when the tears began to prickle the corner of her eyes, and she shook her head a little, feeling her hair brush against her cheeks. "No, no, I brought home my tablet yesterday, and everything else up there is for the current cases. Just make certain that someone waters my plant."

Jon nodded as they stood in unison and he escorted her out to the elevators. "I really wish that there was another way that we could have handled this situation. You really put me in a difficult place, Andrea. I know that Rusty's a little hard to deal with, but you really are the adult here. And you were the one who fought to keep him here, after that whole business with Stroh went down."

"I know, and a part of my regrets that, Jon. I should have made better, more prudent, choices. But then, I thought of Sharon, and allowed that to cloud my judgment."

He nodded sagely before reaching out and squeezing her shoulder before pressing the down button on the elevators. "You led with your heart for the first time in your life, Andrea. And yes, it might have bit you in the ass, but it's nice to see your softer side, too. And I fully intend to see you back here in eight weeks. I wish that I could have made it short, like four, but Ellen wanted you gone."

Andrea nodded as she stepped aboard the elevator, happy to know that he had her back, but still overwhelmingly sad to know that she had caused her own suspension by acting so erratically. It would serve her in good stead to remember that she had to keep her head when around Rusty from now on.


	11. Chapter 11

Andrea had reached the third day of her mandated time off before she hit the wall of boredom. She was so accustomed to doing things, to being on the go, that the enforced stillness gnawed at her brain. But being able to think about where her life was going was also proving to be a blessing. Jon had been right, she hadn't really taken any time to go about sorting her feelings about losing Sharon and Emma. A part of her wondered if she would have taken Emma's death so hard, had it not come on the heels of losing Sharon.

Letting out a soft sigh, she pushed the covers off her body and sat up in the bed, bringing her knees up tight to her chest as she drew in a few deep breaths to try and center herself before she climbed out of bed and threw on workout clothes. Getting back into a routine with yoga and running seemed to be the only good that would come out of these eight weeks. It was odd, though, that she didn't really want to think about going back, even though she felt adrift.

Yawning widely, she threw her legs over the side of her bed and padded over to her dresser, pulling out workout pants and an oversized t-shirt, changing into them before padding down to the living room and cueing up her go to workout channel on YouTube and going through the next workout. She had managed to work up a bit of a sweat during it, so after turning her tv back off, she went upstairs, stripping off her clothes and stepping into the shower, allowing the water to slough off the scent of her workout.

"I wonder if I should reach out to Andy, talk to him about how I reacted to Rusty?" she asked aloud as she lathered shampoo in her hair. "We've always been cordial to each other, but I feel like there's been a huge chasm that's opened up between us since Sharon passed. He must have known about my crush on his wife, even though I tried to keep it under wraps, and that's affected how he treats me. I mean, I understand where he's coming from, but it still hurts, since he's my only link to Sharon."

Sighing a little, she stepped beneath the stream of water, washing out the shampoo as she lathered up her loofah and began to scrub at her skin. "And then there's Rusty. Do I really want to deal with him on a full time basis? It's becoming increasingly clear to me that we cannot work together, but I made a promise to Provenza, to think of Sharon, and I don't know if I can just shirk that duty. God, I really wish that you were here, Sharon. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten caught up in this whole mess."

Refusing to give in to the tears that were trying to spill out of her eyes, Andrea took a deep breath and rinsed off the soap before turning off the water and standing, staring at the steam on the door. Reaching out, she traced her finger in it, the absent pattern appearing causing her to remember how much she had loved doodling and creating art. These last few months hadn't been very conducive to creating, and she wondered if that might be a part of her current frustration.

Getting out of the shower, she wrapped a towel around her body and then made her way into her bedroom, picking out clothes for the day. Her mind went into autopilot as she got ready, and then she was making her way into the living room, and picking up her laptop, going through her email. There weren't too many in her personal inbox, but when she got to an email from her alma mater, she paused, finding herself staring at the screen.

"I can't believe this," she murmured as she read the email for a third time. "This almost seems like fate, if I were to believe in such things." Running a hand through her still wet hair, she took a few deep breaths before glancing down at the picture of her and Sharon. "You would laugh at me, but I think there's a reason why I got my MLS degree. I just never thought that I'd need to use my backup degree." A wry smile curved her lips as she clicked through on the link, finding that it was a standard application process. She didn't know why, but a thrill of apprehensive excitement swept through her body as she called up her resume, quickly brushing it up before creating a brand new cover letter, specifically targeted for this job. It was a quick process, and it wasn't until she had sent her resume to the correct email address that she realized what she had done.

"Oh, well, it's not like they'll hire me, anyway. At least I was bold enough to take that step, and knowing that there is an option out there for me, no matter how small a chance it is for me, makes me feel a lot better." Again, she looked at Sharon's picture, letting out a soft sigh before she continued to clear out her inbox. There was an email there from Andy, and she quickly wrote him back, glad that he was still speaking to her, at least. She skirted around the Rusty drama, referencing it obliquely as she spoke about her extended time off, though she did make certain to ask how the rest of the squad was doing.

When that was done, Andrea stood and went into the kitchen, her grumbling stomach telling her that she had ignored eating for too long that morning. After a quick bowl of cereal, she stepped outside to check on the weather before hurrying back in and shoving her feet into sandals before grabbing her tablet and keys, going back outside and taking a seat beneath the shade tree, diving into her book and losing track of time.

"I didn't realise that you would spend your time off being lazy here, Andrea."

She looked up to see Andy standing over her, a smirk on his lips as he shook two bags of carry out. "You should have called first. You didn't know I was home," she replied as she exited out of her book, noticing that she had spent the last three hours immersed in a world so very different from the one she was currently living. "Though I will never turn down free food."

"Good. I tried to remember what you liked, from the nights you spent over at our place." She gave him a small nod as they went inside. "I know, you emailed me back, but I think that we need to talk a little more in depth. Rusty's been giving me the silent treatment, and I knew that the answer might lie with you."

Andrea pursed her lips together tightly as she led him into the kitchen, indicating for him to take a seat as she grabbed plates and utensils. "There's a friction between us right now, I won't lie. But I'm really hoping this can be cleared up with my time off."

"How long were you forced to take off?"

She let out a bark of a laugh, knowing that he could read between the lines so well with her. "Eight weeks. The head of HR wanted it to be permanent, but Jon fought for me."

"Jesus, Andrea. What did you do? Stab Rusty?"

This set her off, and she collapsed into a chair in a fit of laughter as she shook her head. "I wish it was something that bad. No, I just told him to go fuck himself. I lost my head, and I should have acted more like an adult. But…"

"You're still grieving, like me. I lost my wife, you lost your two closest friends. That takes time to work through, but I was the only one who took bereavement time."

Andy reached over and patted her shoulder, and Andrea found her mirth turning to sadness at that gentle touch, and he pulled her into a warm hug as she allowed herself to cry for all that she had lost.


	12. Chapter 12

Somehow, the first month off work had passed so quickly that Andrea had barely had time to register the fact that she was now only four short weeks from returning to her job. Andy had been so nice, using his bereavement time to keep her company, telling her stories about Sharon that he had picked up from Ricky and Emily. Though he had nearly undone her when on the last day of his leave he had brought over one of Sharon's angels, telling her that she needed it more than he did, since there were still so many he was finding around the house.

Andrea smiled and reached out to run her finger along the wings of the angel as she got up and went to the front door to get the mail. There was more than she had thought, and as she flipped through it, she separated out a few bills before finding her fingers brushing against a familiar white envelope. Again, there was the typewritten address that was so familiar to her, even though it was her home address there, rather than her work address. Frowning a little, she set that envelope aside to focus on the large brown envelope that was from her alma mater. Taking a seat in the chair next to the door, Andrea unfastened the flap before opening it, pulling out a few sheets of paper.

_Dear Ms Hobbs,_

_We were delighted to receive your application for the position of law librarian. We are pleased to inform you that you have passed the first round of the application process, and would like to set up a Skype interview with you, so that you do not have to travel out and see us, especially seeing as you might be in the middle of a case. Please fill out and fax the forms included with this packet, and in the cover letter, let us know a good time to get in touch with you, along with your phone number to reach you at. Again, thank you for considering us, and we look forward to seeing you soon._

_Serena Russell_

_Head of HR_

Andrea felt her hands turn clammy and cold, her eyes darting across the letter over and over as she tried to comprehend what was written there. She had never really given serious consideration to the fact that she might move forward in the application process, but now with the possibility of a new life in her hands, she realized that maybe she truly did want to make a change. Knowing she couldn't get her hopes up just yet, Andrea set aside the letter before looking over the forms, then quickly filling them out.

And then, there was nothing more to do but look at her third letter from her anonymous friend. Her fingers trembled a little as she carefully slid her finger beneath the seal of the envelope and opened it, hissing a little when she got a papercut from the thin, sharp, edge. Pulling her finger away, she stuck it in her mouth and sucked gently as she maneuvered the sheet of paper out with her other hand, awkwardly flipping it open so that she could read it.

_Andrea,_

_It really surprises me that you haven't been to visit Sharon's gravesite, what with the time off you've had recently. Or that you haven't been over there yet, period. If she was truly your best friend, I would have thought that you would have paid your respects. Maybe you didn't really care for her as much as you claimed. Or maybe, life has gotten in the way of things? Whatever it is, I truly think that you should make a pilgrimage out to where she sleeps. It might do your heart some good._

It was a cryptic letter, much like the others, but it seemed to hit closer to home, because there was such truth in those words. She hadn't been to visit the cemetery because she had allowed life to get in the way, and then had just decided that she was better off remembering Sharon as she was, not by seeing the place that held her earthly remains.

Sighing a little, Andrea got to her feet and made her way into the living room. Picking up her laptop, she banged out a quick cover letter, including a time early next week when she would be available to Skype with Ms Russell. After proofing it, she scanned the filled out forms and then faxed the entire packet to her office before making her way upstairs and quickly changing into something a little more respectable. Taking a look at her reflection, Andrea ran a comb through her hair to smooth it down before giving herself a small smile.

"You can do this, Andrea. It's not like she's there any longer. The essence of the person you love is with you and in the better place she believed in," she murmured softly as she smoothed her blouse. "Now, get going before you change your mind."

Taking a deep breath, she went down to the kitchen, grabbing her mobile and keys before heading into the garage and out to the cemetery. Even though she hadn't been there since the graveside service, she was able to drive there by rote, and the forty minute drive seemed to fly by in a blink, since her brain seemed to have gone into autopilot the moment she slipped behind the wheel.

As Andrea made her way to the secluded alcove that Andy had chosen for Sharon, she found herself wishing that she had thought to stop and get flowers. It was the right thing to do, when paying your respects. And here she was, without offerings, without remembrances, with only herself and her sorrows. Blinking back tears, she finally came to a stop in front of Sharon's headstone, and the fresh granite marker served as a stark reminder for what she had lost.

Sinking to her knees, she reached out and traced the letters of Sharon's name before letting her fingers dance over the dates of her birth and death. The tears that she had been struggling to hold inside began to run down her cheeks. "There was so much more for you to live for, Sharon. I still don't get why you had to push and push and push that woman until you went too far. Because I miss you, so much, and I can't even pretend that we were anything more than best friends. Because that would do a disservice to Andy, and the friendship I have with him," she whispered as she continued to stare at cold stone in front of her.

A cool breeze tickled at her hair, and she sighed as she looked up to watch the clouds float across the sky. There was a beauty to the way they skimmed over her line of sight, and she smiled a little through her tears as she pushed herself up off the ground and began to make her way towards her car, finding very little peace in her heart from having visited the final resting place of her best friend. Maybe, when Rusty had finally started to think about his actions, she could come back, and find that a different sort of peace would befriend her. Until that day, though, she knew that she would never come back to the cemetery. She couldn't put her heart through it again.


End file.
